Life is so simple and plentiful, yet we’re all so greedy for things. Before I experienced the fragility of life through hopelessness and death, I was a spoiled girl who was egotistical about her vanity, knowledge, and capabilities. Those 3 combinations are very deadly for they make you powerful. It was all new to me as well for I was extremely shy when I was little…which made me very observant and see through peoples habits quickly. With that added bit, I was always in leadership positions. I was well-liked and nice, but everyone dared not to argue with me because I have power to make them terribly awful. To this day I have not lost one argument. The power of mind is powerful, and I know that if I still allowed my emotions to flow recklessly I would be working my way up the corporate ladder and become quite heartless.

But all that opened my eyes, it made me wonder why I could feel so confident when in the back of my mind I knew that my power was based on worldly knowledge and that I could easily hurt people. Eventually my spiritual side bloomed more and I finally understood it all. I let love consume me whole and I completely changed. Now my power is that people enjoy being around me because I make them feel loved, and I must say that it’s far better than holding power by keeping others weak.

What brought about this thought was that people whom I work with are in a bit of an odd place. The energies are flying about everywhere. I am not one to say who’s wrong and who’s right, but it makes me feel awful to know that both sides are unhappy. Today, tears were nearly shed. The other day frustration. The day before that it was hurt feelings. It’s such a wretched feeling to see things and not able to help other people understand. All it takes is one ego and all attitudes changes. Why is there such a need to feel validated?? It’s all so petty!

When I try to help someone with something, I’m quite nice…I know I am…I just don’t understand why the other person must take it so personally. When people tell me things I feel awful because I was careless. That was not aware enough to see it and that it had to bother the other person a lot before they spoke to me about it. I feel awful if I let my feelings out, it’s like a burden for others…why can’t we all feel that way and be conscientious of each other??

Having strength through weakness is quite lonely. Nobody understands. People grab more and I’m ok with it, but sometimes it just exhausts me. I feel so tired that they continually to grab and jab at me when they have already taken so much. It’s funny how when one is calm, the fluctuating energies come rushing forth. Sometimes I do feel like scolding the person for being so selfish, but I know what I am capable of and I have no heart to hurt or cause a rift. Also, my protective nature is a large part of me and I could never bear the guilt. That was my past that I let go, I only wish to bring others peace and love.

If they have to make me feel the worst until they realize their happiness then ok, but I will still try my best to let them know of their weakness and ego in the mean time. The worst is getting it all thrown back to your face…it’s probably one of the worst feelings ever for me.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wish I could just run to my core and just feel love and carry no traces of suffering. Back to the womb of the universe where the course of creation just vibrates with nothingness that is everything. The ebb and flow of this planet is such a strain…

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

William Butler Yeats

When you stop looking, you find the one thing you didn’t even know you were looking for…and it will be the most amazing thing that God could ever entrust you with.

I have been lightly keeping up with the news there otherwise I would be too consumed by sadness. I don’t know how other people can hear and see news of the conflict and not do anything about it. We all long for peace, whether it be a luxurious shower that lets us relax or a place away from the cold on the streets. I believe that we all exist for a reason and nobody should forcefully stop or disrespect one another for it. If you want someone to love the earth, teach them to appreciate flowers.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without war (my parents were Vietnamese boat refugees), but I still think that it’s the most ridiculous thing to exist among the “evolved” species. It causes so much destruction emotionally and mentally — do we not care enough for each other that we can’t look out for each others well-being? Is it necessary to throw things that go boom just because somebody wouldn’t give you something?? Utterly ridiculous!

The primitive days of our primogenitors lived in a brutal world where they had to fight with their surroundings, but eventually we evolved to have a more complex brain. Our intelligence has made us rise to the top of the food chain and allows for better synthesis of ideas and predictions — which helps us to stay at the top. This shows that we yearn for nonviolence, and we try to achieve some sort of happiness every second. We aim for a more civilized world and do not want to regress to the days of wild where every day was a struggle.

We probably still have remnants of this fighting instinct, but that doesn’t mean that we should act upon it. We can break our bad habits, why can’t we let go of violence? The more we focus on something, we develop more…is it worth it to squander our amazing evolved mind to go back to something so barbaric??

I’m always amazed by the new technology the springs up everyday and it can all be destroyed with a careless act of violence. Are we so different from each other that it’s better to try to eradicate them than to learn to enjoy their quirks?? We should not be oblivious to the consequences of our actions or ignore the ramifications of our mess. The world does not belong to us and the power of mother nature reminds us everyday through the natural disasters. There are people who are sending out love out to the universe, shouldn’t we join them rather than throwing a stupid tantrum of violence??

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.

- John F. Kennedy

It touched my heart deeply and I let my eyes give way to the tears that came from my heart, which swelled with sensations of joy.

A couple days after, all my past emotions came rushing forth and I realized my potential — the sequence of events just made perfect sense. It also surprised me how my mind made sense of the million of things in that nanosecond!

No more reluctance, just spring toward love!

Underneath the moon,
Underneath the stars
Heres a little heart for you
Up above the world,
Up above it all
Heres a hand to hold on to

-Lenka

So there I was at the Garimbaldi stop once more. I strolled down the streets to do some shopping and ended up at the mamac. I had a lot of fun taking photos by myself there, I met a lot of charming folks as well…they all offered to take photos of me. I made my way down by the Acropolis, but it was closed since the sun had set. I decided to walk through the market place instead of taking the bus back to Jean Medecin…bad idea since it’s a majorly long walk!! It was beautiful nonetheless — lights strewn from the buildings, people kissing and hugging as it is almost supper time, the aromatic herbs from Sicily wafting through the air…so beautiful! Anyhow, I found myself back at the Etoile shopping center for some more shopping and a break at one of the many salon de the.

Of course by now I was nearly starving since my breakfast was only an apple and my lunch was skipped because I wasn’t hungry. La Zucca Magica is by the port and the natives there do not know the street…bis quai Papacino. While I was in Vieux Ville I came upon an English man and I asked him if he knew where the restaurant was, thank goodness he did because I was having trouble keeping up with all the a droite, a cote de, and arriere de! He pointed me in the direction of the port and told me that it would be a 10 minutes walk if I walked along the shore. I was just going to plomp myself down at Le Petite Nice because it looked so cozy at the corner, but I was grateful so I trekked on.

It was the most painful 20 minute walk toward the port ever! I realized that it only takes him 10 minutes because he was over 6 feet tall. When I finally got to the port, I walked around for another 20 minutes looking for the restaurant, but did not find it. I also found out that I was back at the Garimbaldi bus stop. I couldn’t help but laugh. So I finally chose a quiet and warm pizza restaurant, L’Ambiance.

It's ok to drip tomato sauce

I was extremely happy to sit down and let my feet rest…exploring in flats is not comfortable for long periods of time! I ordered some nice bread and a salad — I couldn’t handle a pizza at that moment. It was a great night though because I encountered english speakers at the restaurant and the owner of the restaurant was very sweet. French men really love giving compliments to young girls!!

Anyhow, I had my fill and walked toward the big Christmas tree to get to the tram. I thought that my day was quite frilly, but my heart was good. I went through all that trouble and braced the chilly night just to support a veg restaurant! It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized that I had walked past the restaurant. I was quite happy with myself that I could endure such things since my life prior to Europe was that of a princess. It made me realize that I grew up in a love and hope filled environment so that I could channel that energy into something productive for the world. Every bit of “hardship” I encounter now all go toward something more positive.

This post was ridiculous. Why on earth did I wrote so much…I think I lost my point. Silly me!!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way.

- Charles Dickens

Far too often we wallow deep into the mud of life and end up immersing ourselves in a flurry of games that continually changes, but are essentially the same.

Prior to leaving for France I spoke to Mi. about his life goals, as well as my own. He lives part of his life working in the corporate finance world full of posh everything, but leaves it all behind and lives simply (no modern amenities whatsoever) on his leisure pursuits. I asked him why he had such extremities in his life and he said that he believed in balance…it made me realize that practically every person in the world chase monetary and professional dreams, then forget the important intangible things in life.

This world…this age…this era, it’s plain folly! Foolishness and inflated egos! The world longs and seeks for all these immoderate worldly desires and it just leaves everyone feeling empty.

My last 2 relationships made me realize a lot of things about myself and I really have no idea why I dated these guys in first place. Karma is funny. But without them I probably wouldn’t be where I am now. They are consumed by society — a culture that emphasizes success, and believed that with money you can gain power and pretty much everything that you desire. We are all following something or the other…everything is essentially nothing, and vice versa.

My field of work is filled with people who work for their passion, rather than money…although they do quite well. Many of them sometimes work extra long hours just to make something work without getting paid, I love seeing people putting forth great enthusiasm for their goal. Not in the sense where they work hard for money, but truly loving every single thing that they do in order to reach their target.

My life at the moment is full of people of zeal and I think it’s one of the most pleasing things to witness! Every single conversation I have now is always something that I deeply care about and it really fuels my heart to give more to the world. During my short holiday trip this past week I had the chance to see one of my heroes and it was nothing short of extraordinary! This person exuded love that permeated through souls…you couldn’t help but to share it with others. The attentive care, thoughtfulness, and tender actions made me realize that I was jaded in a world where I thought I unaffected by.

Now I feel strong and empowered to truly love without any regards…so what if I get hurt! If I enjoy giving then I should set no boundaries for when it should or shouldn’t happen. Seeing love in action and so vast…while experiencing heartache for others at the same time, it was beautiful. I was cautious for myself, but love should benefit others and is unselfish.

I believe in shaping my future, so I will share goodwill unceasingly.

Ro. is one of my good friends that understands me on levels that most others cannot…probably because we’re so alike. Christmas is always a tough time for him because of his past memories with his family and it’s sweet that he still feels it, although it’s quite terrible to have to go through an ordeal like that in the first place. I love him to bits, he’s always there for me when I’m frustrated…which is rare, but it’s tough to find people who truly care and want to lend you an ear when you really need it. Even past boyfriends couldn’t be there for me. I’m a bit complex in a way where I don’t want to share things with people if I feel that it will burden them, if things go easy then I will share my feelings and thoughts. But as we all know…life gets pretty messy most of the time.

R. & me - a moment caught after a hug

I wish I could tell him more, but he’s one of those guys where I don’t really have to say much and he understands completely. He was probably my brother in a past life! It’s funny how we became good friends because he disliked me with a passion for being so mean to him. Being mean comes natural to me when a guy is courting my sister…I want him to be scared of me so that he can respect my lil sis! We used to laugh about it often because he was absolutely frustrated with me for being rude.

I miss him a lot. Being far from home, you realize who is really important in your life. Apart from my family, there’s only 3 other people that I can truly count on — Ro. being one of them.

The conversation made me think about life. Ro. shared with me his goals before I left for Europe and I couldn’t be prouder for him and he told me yesterday that he wanted to be single so that he could focus on that goal…then later provide everything for his family. I thought that was very sweet, not many guys think like that anymore…it’s quite chivalrous of him!

It also sparked ideas about my future. I love kids and could easily see myself having 3-5 kids and an amazingly supportive husband. But then I realized that even though my mind wants that…it’s not what I should be doing. Everything that I have learned about life was always due to spiritual related things and I thank God for showing me things in a protected environment. So I made the decision to not allow any free thoughts to wonder to a certain guy (As.) and just focus on my spiritual development. I’m proud of myself that I could distinguish it and I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything at all. I feel so blessed to have such an opportunity to serve the world…although it could be a punishment! Either way, I love it. And I will embrace it.

To a brighter future…

One thing that always bothered me was knowing that cheap candy caused harm to my body and other people…do you ever wonder it’s so cheap? Could it be that there are millions of children in third world countries who are slaving away in the harsh weather so that you could have cavities? It’s one of the reasons why I only eat chocolate from certain brands, but of course the price is much higher. Money isn’t it an issue to me when it comes to life…and the luxurious decadence is a plus.

I’ve decided to be 70% raw by the new year!

As a eco-conscious person I believe that taking my vegan diet to the next level will leave a better impact on the environment. Fossil fuels are a contributing factor to pollution, by cutting down food cooking I will be using less energy. The same fossil fuels that empower the polluters and tyrants of the Earth and aid to the destruction of our precious planet. Unshackle yourself and be efficient in every way possible! Spend less time in the kitchen preparing food and then slaving over the stove…all the while killing the nutrients from the high heat! So going raw makes sense.

I say that I will be going 70%, but that’s only to be safe…I will try to be raw all the time, unless there’s an occasion where it’s not possible.

Raw living is the cleanest and most ethical of all foods. If you want to take it a step further and just rely on nothing but Mother Nature I highly encourage being a breatharian or solarian!

If you’re in the Orange County area, please check one of my absolute favorite raw restaurants: Au Lac. Chef Ito is brilliant and the raw chocolate is a must try — you won’t enjoy regular store bought chocolate after that!

Raw Chocolate

Choco-nut Xtasy

Man was born free, and everywhere he is in chains.

– Jean Jacques Rousseau

I love reading quotes and ideas from philosophers, especially Voltaire and Rousseau. When I took my first college course during my junior year of high school, I was exposed to the world of psychology. It was great because it opened a portal where views on human nature and thought processes conflated and diverged in multiple directions. My mother and father always taught me to think for myself and not believe everything, even if it did come from a sage — I believe they quoted Shakyamuni Buddha. Our home was always rich with books, it was pretty much guaranteed that there would be another added to the collection if we were to go somewhere that was out of our daily norm. I blame my bad eyesight on reading so much when I was younger…I went through 1-2 novels each week, high school level too during my primary school years! I doubt I really understood what I read though.

Anyhow, psychology really got me interested in how our world came to be, how all our thoughts manifested into this world where we think what’s wrong and right. I took another course thereafter, sociology and anthropology, I loved it too! Then I got sucked into philosophy, what an amazing world…all my favorite courses combined into one AND with a subtle hint of spirituality. I was in heaven each time I did my reading for the class, the thoughts and questions that bubbled up…then debates the next day during lecture. I enjoy studies that demand deep thoughts, makes me ponder about the universe even moreso and coming up with my own conclusions.

One of my good friends, M, is absolutely amazing. His life is like a fairy tale…jet setting around the world on his free time just to study ancient scriptures! His mind is so rich of spiritual history and super intelligent as well. He called me yesterday out of blue and it was quite a surprise…it has been quite awhile since we spoke. It was a brief conversation, but I thoroughly enjoyed it…he even humored me by offering to take me to his Himalayan home because the building has finally been complete. Silly man. I enjoy his candor…actually I enjoy anyone that provokes spirituality talks or about code.

Sometimes God brings the right people into your life to make your heart feel free, even though you are bound to certain ideas and places. It’s amazing all the attachments that we create for ourselves. I have always been a filial daughter so I’m glad to grow outside of my family — I feel free to just fully focus on what I must do. Such a blessing, my heart sings to the sun and moon!

It’s often difficult for me to digest that there is immense suffering in the world. I’m far too pragmatic with my mind, actions, and emotions that I feel disassociated from the world. I have enjoyed my life thoroughly and it is during this period that I developed incredibly strong empathy for others. I honestly have no idea how people could live with frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, and heart brokenness. It’s terribly smothering to drown in this vale of tears! I admire their strength for still going on through life, still having faith and some passion.

My heart is incredibly sensitive now and it’s nearly impossible for anything to not affect my emotions right now. Of course it doesn’t run rampant since my logical side is still very much intact…I have just learned to balance the two. I feel like a feather in the wind…every gust just pushes me around. I gain control my cutting people off/ignoring them. It’s good for me, but makes me feel terrible as well. Emotions are convoluted. Humans are complex and incredibly deaf and blind. We don’t know anything! Absolutely nothing.

I respect the many masters that have come to comfort our souls, for they have to endure extreme hardships just so that we could understand things partially. It really touches my soul to great extents…I cry every time I think about it. What I feel now can’t even come close to how they feel…yet they still stay on this mundane planet and forgo their heavenly home just to help us. The story of the Quan Yin Bodhisattva is an exemplary example, she was on her way back to heaven, but returned down to earth because she saw the countless beings suffering. Can you imagine the intense love that she had for others?? Heaven is boundless with love and contentment, but she gave it all up to suffer in order for others to not suffer so much.

When your suffering is a little greater than my suffering I feel that I am a little cruel.

- Antonio Porchia

I find my favorite famous people to be quite profound as well, Natalie Portman, Angelina Jolie, and Queen Rania of Jordan. They are accessible to sumptuous richness, but they leave all that behind to travel and stay in places with extreme poverty and sickness in order to help. That’s a lot of discomfort just so that they could bring awareness for themselves and the entire world. There are so many with good hearts!

The way of saints is incredibly noble and I know that God will give me many more lessons to understand what I need to know in order to be a good instrument of His works. My parents have taught me not to complain while growing up and I thank them so much for it, because it has really taught me to be modest and tolerate others at all costs. I feel so lucky to be able to practically have whatever I wish for, but still retain my spiritual goals. Others are not so lucky, which is why I only want to share things with the world…no longer for my personal indulgences.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

- Plato